At the core of my heart is an earnest desire to please God and live a righteous life. I’m sure that it’s there but I feel that there are so many things that are yet to be removed before that desire can be manifested in every aspect of my life.
I want so much to live a righteous and holy life but I’ve done so many things that’s messed up my heart. How much build up is lining the walls of my arteries? Is it even possible for the surgeon’s blade to penetrate the mass that has accumulated over time?
I keep wishing there was a way to speed things up. The process is seemingly long and extremely painful. To be silent in the midst of others doing you wrong or to keep giving when everything in you wants to give up. The more I see is the less of me I desire and I keep trying to find a formula to adequately express the things hidden at the very center.
Why can’t I be under anesthesia? To be numb to the pain of the process. Would it help if I saw the cleansing taking place but didn’t feel the pain of it? Can I fall asleep, trusting that my surgeon knows what he’s doing and awake with the scar to show I’ve undergone surgery not remembering the process?
Truth be told as wonderful as that sounds, I like the process. I appreciate it and wouldn’t want to miss a single moment.
I need strength though.
I need strength and peace to continue. I need to be constantly reminded that God’s got this. I don’t need to fight, I simply need to surrender. I need to remember to break down in the safety of His presence and no other place. I need to open my mouth and whisper my thank yous in the difficult times and keep believing that He will complete the good work He’s begun in me.
My desire to serve God is all I am left with, but somehow I feel that’s all he needs me to have.